Winning and Losing
by singsongsung
Summary: No.23. Rory/Logan. Angstish.


**Winning and Losing**

**A/N: **Hey, guys, I'm baaaaaacck! Sorry it took so long, I had exams and writers block at the same time. I'm not happy with this, but it's alright. Tell me what you think and REVIEW. It falls about four months after **Peter Pan**. I didn't even read it over because I've been staring at the computer for way too long today and I couldn't do it anymore. Enjoy and read on!!

"Oma?"

Lorelai turned toward her five-year-old grandson. "Yes, sweetie?" she asked patiently.

"When's Mommy gonna be back?"

Lorelai smiled at him gently. He'd been sitting in the lobby of the inn for a good four hours. He was being very good, and had barely disturbed her, but she knew that he was troubled.

Forgetting that she needed to call Mr. Jones back (he'd get angry if she didn't; he came to the inn about once a month when he had business meetings in Hartford- he was half an hour away from his meeting sites but he felt that his visits to the inn were worth it- and consequently felt that, as a 'regular', he should be given the world's best treatment), she sat down next to Lucas.

His blond hair was ruffled slightly and looked uncannily like his father's. His eyes shone through his too-long bangs. Lorelai brushed his hair out of his face. "We need to get you a trim, kiddo," she said, letting her fingers linger in his silky hair lovingly.

"Daddy always goes with me to the barber," Lucas said softly, staring at the Sketchers on his feet.

For a moment, Lorelai thought she might lose it. She'd remained a strong, rock-like force in the past months because Rory needed her. Sometimes, when she looked into Lucas' eyes, she felt as though he was trying to show her how devastated her felt.

Lukey was a smart kid- he'd taken after Rory in many ways. He knew very well that things were far from 'fine' with his parents. But what truly broke Lorelai's heart was that he knew very well that Rory needed to see him happy. When he spotted his mother, bright smiles would appear on his lips and he would chatter away. Sometimes, most definitely, he was genuine. But Lorelai was sure that the devastation in Lucas' eyes had been taken from his mother's.

"I could go with you, honey," she said gently. "Is that okay?"

Lucas gave a noncommittal shrug and looked back up at her. "Is Mommy gonna be back soon?"

Lorelai glanced at the clock. "I hope so, honey. I don't know for sure. I'm going to take you over to the diner for dinner soon, okay? I bet Grandpa Luke'll make you a really yummy burger."

"I'm not that hungry, Oma."

"Okay, baby. But you'll at least have a chocolate milkshake, right?" she asked with a bright, coercing smile.

He came back with one just as fake. "Yeah."

"Mommy!" Emma came hurtling into the inn, mahogany tresses flying behind her like she was a princess from a fairy tale. "Mommy, I won the spelling bee!"

"Em! Wow, honey!" Lorelai exclaimed, turning away from Lucas to embrace her eight-year-old. "Oh, you got a ribbon, too!"

"Yeah! Luke, look at my ribbon!" Emma held it out to her cousin, glowing with pride.

Lucas accepted it and admired it half-heartedly. Emma looked insulted, but Lorelai gave her daughter's hand a quick squeeze. Emma frowned, but at her mother's raised eyebrows, she said, "Hey, Luke, you can wear it today, if you want. Just today."

"Really?" His face brightened.

Lorelai breathed a sigh of relief. "Of course, really, you goof! Come on, you two, let's get over to the diner and get you some supper."

Emma's eyes lit up. "Burgers instead of real food?"

Lorelai shook her lead. "You've been spending too much time with your father lately, Emma Jane. Burgers _are_ real food."

Instead of giggled, Emma frowned. "Well, that's your fault," she grouched. "You never do stuff with me and Will anymore. All you do is play with Luke and take care of Lory and go into Rory's room and close the door and _talk_ and _talk_ and _talk_."

Lorelai sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "Oh, Em, I know. But sweets, you understand that things aren't going to well for Rory and the kids right now, don't you?"

"Yeah," Emma admitted reluctantly. "Mom?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Can I have a burger _and _chilli fries?"

Lorelai grinned. "Of course you can."

"And coffee?"

Lorelai was too tired to argue. "Don't tell Dad."

"Yes!" Emma cried, pumping her fist into the air.

(Part Two)

She was _so tired._ She didn't have the energy anymore. Their arguments had been going in circles and if she had to repeat herself one more time she was going to snap.

"Rory-"

She frowned at him, unsure of why her name coming from his lips made her so angry. Probably because she was so used to being 'Ace'.

"Rory, I don't know what you want from me."

Her temper flared automatically, and she was ready to cry, _What do I want from you? What do I __**want**__ from you? God, Logan, could you be more of an idiot?_ but it occurred to her that she, herself, did not know what she wanted from him. The thing was: she'd left, but she hadn't actually meant to _leave_.

She knew how ridiculous that sounded. When she'd first told her mother that, Lorelai had been both sceptical and understanding. Rory was caught in the moment. Her husband was being a jerk when he didn't have a right to be, her oppressive, dominating father-in-law was dead, and there was her mom, standing there with open arms. Rory had always been (and, admittedly, would always be) her mother's baby girl. No matter how old she got, no matter what happened, she could count on Lorelai to rescue her. It was unrealistic and stupid and Rory now realized that she'd been incredibly…dumb, for lack of a better word. In that moment, as she ran down the stairs to her mommy like a three-year-old, she'd thought that Lorelai would fix everything.

She hated herself for it. Every time she looked at her son, who was miserable, or her daughter, who was only two, or even in the mirror, she hated herself. She hated that she'd clung to that toddler-esque mindset. She wished she'd been able to grow up properly.

"I don't know what I want from you, either," she admitted softly. "Logan…I…I shouldn't have left. I should have…"

"Ace," he sighed, and she looked up at him quickly, relieved to hear the simple word. "I shouldn't have…I should have handled everything better."

"No…well, yeah…but your dad had just died and…I should have…" she took a deep breath and met his eyes for the first time since she'd gotten there five and a half hours ago. It had taken a lot of resolve to do that, and it was so great to finally connect with him. "I should have put your name on the card," she whispered.

To her surprise, he laughed. His laugh reminded her of Lucas' and she wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She stared at him, a stunned smile tugging at her lips.

He laughed until her cried, full-out laughter, the kind she loved. "God, Ace," he gasped as he tried to catch his breath. "I love you."

They were a good fifteen feet apart- she was sitting on the couch hugging a pillow and he was standing by the window because he'd been pacing earlier. There wasn't any sort of powerful magnetism that drew them together, but all the same, she wanted to be near him. She stood tentatively, and, before she knew it, he was standing next to her. She looked up at him and she knew that he was going to kiss her. "Logan-"

"Yeah, Ace?"

Something still didn't feel right, but he'd slipped her jean jacket off of her shoulders. She shook off the feeling- and the jacket- and smiled at him. "Nothing."

"Good," he said firmly, and then he kissed her.

(Part Three)

Lorelai twisted a napkin in her hands, trying not to look at the clock yet again. She was worried. She'd called Rory's cell phone a couple hours ago and hadn't gotten an answer. She hadn't tried again because she didn't want to interrupt if they were starting to resolve things.

Emma was re-enacting her spelling bee victory proudly for Will and Luke. Lory was sound asleep in her stroller. Lucas was still nibbling on his chocolate-covered donut.

Lorelai was sensed that Luke was looking over at her again. She turned to him and smiled reassuringly before turning back to her sleeping granddaughter. She looked so much like Rory had when she was two.

Lorelai bit her thumb nail. She'd stopped biting her nails when Rory was born. That didn't make sense to her at all; she'd had a baby, that's pretty damn stressful. But when she'd told Sookie, her surprised friend had laughed and said, "Well, you were probably too busy to bother with your nails."

The door opened and a gust of wind blew in, waking Lory up. She started to cry automatically. Lorelai reached for her without turning to the doorway.

"Mommy?" It was Lucas' voice that alerted her to her daughter's presence.

"Ro-" Rory's name was only two syllables, but Lorelai didn't make it through both. Rory was…Rory. It was almost as though she'd come back from the dead. Lorelai grinned right back at her as Lucas ran over, calling,

"Mommy!"

Rory scooped him up and planted kisses all over his face. "Guess what, sweetie?"

"Are we going home? Back to Daddy?"

She just smiled (a smile that took Lorelai's breath away and brought tears to her eyes).

(Part Four)

She watched, feeling almost helpless, as Rory packed. She'd made her list as she sat at the kitchen table eating ice cream. All they'd had was chocolate, so Rory had sent Will to the story for a different flavour. "Chocolate's break-up ice cream," she insisted. "Get vanilla."

She's afraid of what will happen, now.

Rory folded clothes quickly and neatly, with the practiced hands of a mother. She stopped occasionally to kiss Lucas' cheek or check on Lory. She places her things in her suitcases, folding everything so that they fit the exact dimensions of their assigned spots.

"Honey, wait until morning to go," Lorelai heard herself say, the helpless feeling growing.

Rory's constant movement comes to a full and complete stop. She turned to her mother, eyes puzzled and almost…hurt. "Why?" she asked softly.

"It's…it's late."

Rory looked at the clock. "It's barely eight thirty. We'll be out of here by nine, won't we, Lukey?"

He nodded happily, beaming up at her.

Lorelai frowned. Rory hadn't discussed any of the days' events with her- and she understood that, they could wait for another time. But she could read what had happened in her daughter's appearance.

The dark circles under her eyes indicated how exhausting the day had been.

The out-of-place hairs, mis-buttoned polo tee, and bruised lips told her that Rory and Logan had kissed and made up.

The brightness of Rory's eyes said that she was truly happy for the first time in months.

But a frown kept appearing on her face. Rory seemed upset by it's appearance and kept shaking her head as if to clear it. Lorelai desperately wanted to sit her daughter down and ask her, "Honey, is everything truly okay? What's wrong?" She knew that something was not yet resolved. But Rory wanted everything to be back to normal so badly, she could tell.

Luke helped Rory take everything to the car, and it was all Lorelai could do to keep from screaming, _You're my husband! Side with me! Keep her safe!_

And when Rory reached out for a goodbye hug, all Lorelai could do was hug her tightly back.

(Part Five)

Hours later, when Rory had unpacked everything, settled the kids into bed, and had a cup of coffee, she stepped hesitantly into her bedroom. Logan was already in bed, having retired minutes before, and he was flipping through a book. He smiled when he saw her. "Hey, Ace. Everything put away?"

She nodded and plastered on a smile. "Yep."

He smiled knowingly. "What's wrong?"

She shrugged shyly. "It…it still feels like something's wrong."

He set down his book. "Rory, I love you. I'm so sorry about everything that happened. And I'm so glad to have you and the kids home. Everything's okay."

She nodded, still unconvinced.

"Hey. Trust me?"

Tears stung at her eyes and she didn't meet his. She didn't. She couldn't. Why wouldn't she?

"Ace?"

A small sob escaped her lips. Maybe they were a result of being back at her mom's for so long, Lorelai's opinions seeping back into her, but their were a few restless thoughts in the back of her mind that she needed to get rid of. She looked at him through watery eyes. This was her husband. The man she loved. She _did_ trust him. One mistake, and she lost all her faith in him?

"Babe?" he asked softly, reaching out to her.

She resisted the urge to recoil. Instead, she grabbed his hand and held it in her own. His hands felt the same as they always had, and hers still fit within his perfectly.

"Logan," she said softly, his name coming out as a sigh. She lightly traced a pattern on his palm with her index finger. That nameless feeling, the one she had trouble voicing sometimes, the one that she'd always had for him…a feeling that sometimes thrilled her, sometimes scared her…an emotion that she now recognized as love was still inside her. As she'd told her mother almost four months ago, she'd never stop loving him.

But that didn't stop her from doubting him.

"Logan…in the last few months…" she released his hand as she asked the question, "did you cheat on me?"


End file.
